Colossal Macadamia Nut Cookie

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“Bart’s Dog Gets an ‘F'” season 2, episode 16

Do you like chocolate chip cookies? How about maca-ma-damia nuts? Then you’ll love these giant macadamia nut cookies—just keep them away from the dog.

In this season 2 episode, Santa’s Little Helper is on a rampage tearing up newspapers, stealing breakfasts, and digging up the whole yard. We get a rare look at the dog’s point-of-view, complete with black and white vision and garbled language. He escapes the yard and wanders the town, stealing beef jerky, chasing ducks, and swimming in Sylvia Winfield’s pool (and oh boy is she put out).

Lisa has the mumps and is staying home for a week, so Marge shows her how to sew and contribute to the family quilt. Homer is envious of Flanders’ new, very expensive Assassins sneakers, and while picking up teen mags for Lisa he buys a pair for himself.

Santa’s Little Helper immediately chews the Assassins to pieces and they decide to sign the dog up for obedience school. While trying to return his destroyed shoes, Homer happens upon Cookie Colossus and is pulled in by free samples of “macama-demia nut” cookies. He brings a giant cookie home and writes a note that says “hands off.”

Lisa adds her new square to the quilt and proudly shows her mom her new callus. Santa’s Little Helper proceeds to rip the 6th-generation family heirloom to shreds and devour Homer’s cookie. Devastated (about the cookie), Homer threatens to get rid of the dog (“we’ve never had a family member we could give away before”), but they decide if he passes obedience school they’ll keep him.

Lisa starts a new quilt and Bart works tirelessly with Santa’s Little Helper who seems unable to understand a damn thing. Finally, at the very last minute, something clicks and the dog finally understands commands. Santa’s Little Helper earns his spot in the house and the family sticks together.

About that cookie. We know that it has macadamia nuts and that it’s so big it won’t fit in the cookie jar. It also appears to contain chocolate chips. The following recipe will deliver all three requirements plus taste really, really, really…good. For colossal cookies that could easily feed three people apiece (pictured below), measure the dough out in 1/2-cup mounds. For still big but more reasonably sized treats, use a 1/4-cup measure.

Colossal Macadamia Nut Cookies
Makes 8 to 10 giant cookies or about 16 big cookies

2 cups all-purpose flour (280 grams)
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt (or 1 teaspoon table salt)
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 cup unsalted butter, softened
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups chocolate chips (I recommend a mix of semi-sweet and bittersweet)
1 1/2 cups roughly chopped macadamia nuts

  1. Combine the flour, salt, baking powder, and baking soda in a small mixing bowl. Whisk together and set aside.
  2. In a medium mixing bowl or the bowl of a stand mixer, combine the butter and sugars. Beat with an electric mixer for about 5 minutes, or until pale and fluffy. Scrape down the sides and add the eggs one at a time, beating between each addition. Add the vanilla and mix.
  3. Add the dry ingredients and beat just until combined. Add the chocolate chips and nuts and mix in by hand.
  4. Cover the bowl and chill the dough for at least 2 hours. You can make this dough up to 24 hours ahead of time.
  5. Preheat the oven to 350°F and line a large baking sheet with parchment paper.
  6. For colossal-sized cookies, scoop the dough using a 1/2-cup measuring cup. Form into a ball and add to the prepared baking sheet. Press down to make a circle slightly under an inch tall. Repeat with more dough, spacing the cookies out at least 2 inches.
  7. Bake for 15 to 18 minutes, or until the edges are browned and the the center is no longer shiny but has not started to brown. Let cool for several minutes on the baking sheet before transferring to a cooling rack.
  8. Repeat with the remaining dough. Write a note that says HANDS OFF! and hope that the dog doesn’t eat your cookies.

– A mix of chocolate chips is best, and chips are better than chopped chocolate. For a sweeter cookie, use a mixture of semi-sweet and white chocolate chips.
– For cookies that are still big but more manageable, use a 1/4-cup measuring cup.
– Excess dough can be frozen. Measure out dough balls, place on a baking sheet, press down, and add to the freezer. Once frozen (at least an hour), add to a zip-top freezer bag and store for up to 3 months. Cookies can be baked from frozen.

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