The Joy of Cooking Milhouse

“Marge Be Not Proud,” season 7, episode 11

It’s almost Christmas, which means we only have so many sweet, noggy days left until next year. If there’s one lesson you can take from this Simpsons episode, it’s to enjoy eggnog while you can. Oh, and be good to you mom I guess.

This holiday episode begins with some wisdom from Bart: “Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.” He sees an ad for a new video game and tells his parents to buy him Bonestorm or go to hell! They say no, so he tries to rent it from the comic book store but they’re out. Meanwhile, there are plenty of copies of Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge. Plus, Thrillhouse won’t share.

Bart is hanging around Try ‘N Save pining for the game. The bullies are there shoplifting, and, after input from various video game characters including Lee Carvallo, Bart takes a copy of Bonestorm. He gets caught by security and taken to the back room. After a Troy McClure video (which completes his plea bargain with Beverly Hills’ Foot Locker), he’s banned from the store.

Bart rushes home and changes the answering machine tape before his parents can find out what he did. The next morning, the family is having breakfast and the fridge is packed full of eggnog. When Marge asks if Homer got any milk or just nog, he replies “tis the season, Marge! We only get 30 sweet, noggy days. Then the government takes it away again.” Lisa’s eating it on her cereal and complains of chest pains.

The family is preparing to get their Christmas photo taken at the Try ‘N Save. Bart is panicked to go back, and has visions of juvenile hall. He disguises his face, but Marge begs him for a nice family photo. They head to the store and he gets caught mid-portrait. Marge is convinced he didn’t do it, but the store detective shows the security footage and she is completely crushed.

Marge worries that she mothers Bart too much so she backs off, but Bart misses being mothered and ends up hanging out with Milhouse’s mom. The family made snowmen without him, and he feels rejected. He storms into Try ‘N Save on what seems like a shoplifting spree, but turns out he was getting his photo taken (paid-in-full) for Marge. She loves the gift and hugs her little bitty Barty close. She also gives him his Christmas gift early—Lee Carvell’s Putting Challenge. POWER DRIVE!

If you’re feeling noggy this holiday season, why only drink it at holiday parties? Why not pour it into your coffee (this is a legitimate suggestion), add it to smoothies, swirl it into your oatmeal, or use it to top cereal? I think we can all agree that what cereal is lacking is thickness and cholesterol. Mmm… cholesterol.

Eggnog and Cereal
Serves 2

3-4 cups dry cereal, like corn flakes
2-3 cups eggnog

Add the cereal to two bowls. Top with the eggnog.

Note: I did eat this. It was…fine? The thickness is troubling, but if you use a not-too-sweet cereal, I wouldn’t say it’s bad. Granted, I ate a spoonful, so a whole bowl could certainly lead to chest pains. Eat at your own risk.

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