The Joy of Cooking Milhouse

“Bart Star,” season 9, episode 6

It’s summer and it’s hot and I need a beer. Actually, I need some of that beer that has candy floating in it. You know, Skittlebrau.

But first, there’s a free health fair in town, cheapskates! Homer argues with Dr. Hibbert about his gravy intake and Marge teaches first aid while Wolfcastle slaps FAT stickers on all the kids. Footage of Bart’s pants splitting makes it into an evening news story about how out-of-shape Springfield’s children are and a junior football league is born.

All the boys join including Bart. Lisa attempts to disrupt the patriarchy but is disappointed to find girls already on the team and quickly quits. Flanders is coach and Nelson is made quarterback. The team wins their first game all thanks to Nelson’s natural abilities. Meanwhile, Homer can’t stop ragging Flanders even though he’s doing a good job coaching. He heckles him so much that Flanders quits and hands the job over to Homer.

Homer starts off taking his job too seriously and runs Bart ragged. (“If you know a better way for me to live through my son, I’d like to hear it.”) Marge makes Homer realize he needs to be more supportive when she points out how hard Abe was on him growing up. We get a nice flashback and learn that Homer did gymnastics! Lenny is sitting in the audience with Marge sporting feathered hair.

Homer over-corrects and makes Bart quarterback. Bart and everyone else knows Nelson is better, but Homer insists, and the team loses their next game because Bart is terrible. He doesn’t want to let his dad down, and even though Joe Namath wanders into the backyard, he knows it’s hopeless.

Bart ends up faking a bunch of injuries, but when Homer tries to forfeit the game instead of letting Nelson play, Bart quits the team. Homer calls him a quitter (and almost quits his job), but his anger turns into sadness when Bart isn’t there at the next game. They beat Arlen (King of the Hill cameo) but Homer’s still bummed and heads to Kwik-E-Mart. This is where he attempts to purchase Skittlebrau (see below) and runs into Bart. They make up and Bart plays tackle for the state championship. The game is tied and it’s the last play when Chief Wiggum shows up to arrest Nelson. Bart takes his place… in the cop car, and Springfield wins the game. The episode ends with Joe Namath’s PSA about vapor lock.

Time for a drink. This is what Homer says when he asks Apu for Skittlebrau, and it’s all we know about the mysterious drink: “Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? Ya know, Skittlebrau.” When Apu tells him it doesn’t exist and that he must have dreamt it, Home responds with: “Then just give me a six pack and a couple of bags of skittles.”

So there you have it: Skittlebrau. Recipe below, but you get the idea. It’s not bad per say, just don’t choke on a Skittle while chugging your beer. The Skittles impart color more than flavor, but you can eat the candy at the end and try to guess which flavor is which (they’ll all be white and anonymous by then). One day I’m making this as a proper beer with a brewer, but until then, cheers.

Skittlebrau
Serves 1 Homer or 6 people

1 (6-pack) beer, preferably a German pilsner (but any light, refreshing beer will do)
2 packs of Skittles

Pour beer into a tall glass. Leave room for the Skittles, since they make the beer bubble up. Top with Skittles. Enjoy.

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