The Joy of Cooking Milhouse

Nachos, Flanders’ Style

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“Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily,” season 7, episode 3

After all of that ice cream it’s time for a healthy snack. Gotta cut some calories if you want a beach bod, and we all know Flanders is RIPPED so he’s got to be doing something right.

In this season 7 heart warmer, Marge is expertly making breakfasts and lunches while prepping the kids for school. Homer presents her with two free passes to a spa that he snagged after test driving a Bentley as Count Homer (“What advantages does this motor car have over, say, a train? Which I can also afford”). Marge protests that she can’t leave the house such a mess, but Homer convinces her to put it off for a day of relaxation and they leave Maggie with Grandpa.

At school, Bart has lice! From a monkey! They take his clothes and burn them and some mean girls steal Lisa’s shoes. They look positively derelict so Skinner calls child welfare. Officials arrive to find the Simpsons home turned upside down, with Grandpa sleeping and Maggie drinking from the dog bowl. When the kids arrive home looking lousy they take them to a foster home… next door. Marge is very upset.

At the Flanders’ house, the Simpsons children are treated to a special snack (see below) before Bart convinces Ned to let them all watch Itchy & Scratchy. One viewing forever damages Rod and Todd. After wholesome activities and early bedtimes, Lisa and Bart can’t stand it anymore and miss their mom and dad. But Maggie is happy to have some much needed attention.

Marge and Homer go to a mandatory Family Skills Class (“Welcome unfit parents”) along with a bunch of hicks. They miss the kids, and Homer toots “saxamaphone, saxamaphone” into Lisa’s instrument in lament. Luckily, they pass their class and can now be reunited with the kids. Next door, the foster family plays Bible trivia and the Flanders discover that Lisa and Bart haven’t been baptized. Ned faints like a delicate flower (twice). When Marge and Homer arrive to get the kids, Ned has taken them for an emergency baptism (Gone baptizin’).

On the way to Springfield River, Maggie says “daddily doodily” and her head turns like the Exorcist. Has she forgotten her parents? Homer arrives just in time to stop the baptism after falling all the way down a rock-strewn hill. Maggie seems like she’s chosen the Flanders as her family until she sees Marge, and the Simpsons are reunited in a sweet embrace. Awww.

Snack time! Early in their stay at the Flanders manor, Lisa and Bart are presented with Nachos, Flanders’ Style. Which are, as Ned explains, just slices of cucumber with cottage cheese on top. There’s a recipe below, including some variations in case you want to sinfully veer from the pure, very bland, original. But hey, I’ve eaten worse Simpsons foods.

Nachos, Flanders’ Style
Serves 8

1 hothouse cucumber, sliced
About 1/2 cup cottage cheese

Place heaping teaspoon dollops of cottage cheese on the slices of cucumber. Serve.

Variations:

  • Mix some salt and pepper into the cottage cheese. It helps.
  • Top with crumbled bacon. This is actually pretty good.
  • Add a splash of hot sauce.
  • Use pimento cheese spread instead of cottage cheese.
  • Eat actual nachos like a sinful person.
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